I have been taking the past number of weeks away from the blog to look at things from a different perspective. I once heard it said “If you give the Church your youth, she will never return it.” My own experience of this has lead to some great personal problems. Since leaving seminary life I have found that my identity for the past five years following my conversion was completely summarized in my desire to become a priest. My own conversion is what lead me straight to the seminary after college. When my plans toward the priesthood were dissolved, so was my personal identity. And now over a year later, I am a different person than I was when I first started this blog. I have rebuilt my life from scratch.
Perhaps only ex-seminarians will understand what I’m saying. Perhaps their experience is similar to this—that we, who hoped to devote our entire lives to that great mystery which is the priesthood, were offered a foretaste of so great a promise. And when we took on that identity of “seminarian”, it was as if a veil had been lifted that separated us from the glory of the Altar—not completely unveiled but revealed to us in such a way that we could witness the joy of priesthood with greater clarity than before. And suddenly, when our hearts were full for God and our souls were so readily moved to His service, we were thrown, forcibly, from clarity back into the din and the veil between us and the Priest pulled back again. Only this time: what misery to have had a vision of this mysterious and necessary life of the Priest, only to be made painfully aware of what was lost whenever we should attend the Sacred Mystery!
That is my constant burden now, and that is why this blog must end. While Catholic Eye Candy helped preserve my faith at the trials I suffered at the time of my departure, now it only serves as a bitter reminder that my heart’s one desire was not in union with the judgment of Holy Mother Church. We ought to accept her discernment in all things. She has been good to me, and always shall.
God save you.